Hasn't got a title really........
by FormerlyKnownAsPhoenix
Summary: The rating has been upgraded, cos I thought it was a tad freaky...
1. This, like, is, like, the, like, first, ...

Ok, All. I'm totally bored, it's a Sunday afternoon, I go on holiday in three days, and I have absolutely NOTHING to do, so I'm going to write a very, very, very, very, VERY silly fanfiction. Disclaimer: I haven't decided what this story is actually going to be yet, so this is just a general disclaimer saying I own absolutely diddly. Oh except the spelling mistakes and bad grammer - theyre all mine. MINE I TELL YOU, MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Ahem. Ok, on with the story.  
  
OK, I'm totally in love with Legolas/Orlando Bloom, so lets start with that shall we?  
  
Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, during the third age of Jack Russels, there was a strange grey void where nothing existed. The malevolent force, know as 'The Author' clicked her fingers, and Orlando Bloom appeared, with a squeaky pop, that sounded just like hydrogen, but the Author had gone to therapy over this and no longer constantly said 'Just like hydrogen!' every single time she did it.  
  
And, as she was making this story very silly and stupid, she proceeded to dress Orli in the Legolas costume, and implanted Legolas's personality onto his brain.  
  
And, as that is not quite silly and stupid enough for her, she magically changed Legolas's personality to that of a sixteen-year old female All American Teen Cheerleader. Satisfied, for the moment, she blew out the smoke puffing from her witchy pointing finger.  
  
"Huh?!?" Legolas looked bewildered, but oh so cute with it! "What, like, is, like, going, like, on? OMG, like, I, like, can't, like, stop, like, saying, like, like, like!! AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like."  
  
The Author cackled. She'd left just enough memory so he would remember his life from before. But, as Legolas curled up on the fllor in a foetal position, wimpering and muttering "Like" every few seconds, she decided suicidal tendancies were not good for her beloved hot elf dude.  
  
She clicked her fingers and his memory was gone. There was a squeaky pop. "Just like hy. . . NO!!! Must. . . curb. . . irrational. . . love of. . . that. . . sentence!!!"  
  
After gulping down her happy pills and her special water, the Author was more or less sa. . . No. Not sane. Shall we just say 'vaguely functional' ?  
  
Ok. Once more bored, the Author decided to transport the rest of the Fellowship into the grey void. This was starting to turn into a story that would quite easily fit into her 'writer's block' series, and she mite as well make it fit into her 'insane asylum' series she was starting. And she also realised it was half six in the evening but it only felt like half four, and she couldn't wait to buy her own laptop this xmas, so she wouldn't hav to use the family computer in her brothers room to write all her stooooooopid fanfic.  
  
OK. Now constantly starting all paragraphs with 'ok' but that's betta than 'just like hydrogen'. Ok. So. The grey vopid became an insane asylum and she didn't mean vopid she meant void. A nice WHITE insane asylum with pretty pictures done by the people who lived ther, all nice big purple splashes with red polka dots. She made sure there were noone else actually there, because otherwise they would try to lock her up.  
  
Ok. Every member of the fellowship had there own room, but, for the moment, they were all sitting in the main 'Group Fun' area. Woohoo.  
  
Gimli was in a straight jacket because his insaneness made him believe he was a Moulin Rouge dancer, and her kept trying to do his hair like Christina Aguilara.  
  
Pippin had been eating marshmallows with the Author and now they were both homicidally hyper.  
  
Merry was twirling about in his pink ballerina costume, claiming he was the next Baryshnikov, and no one had the heart to tell him that male ballet dancers don't wear tutus. Or tampons attached to there ears.  
  
Aragorn thought he was a laywer, and was stalking around everywhere in a long black coat and a powdered wig, but that was ok, because he could apologiase for everytime the author overstepped the bounds.  
  
Aragorn broke in, putting on his posh, important voice. "My client wishes me to say that she means no offence by any of her statements, and, if ne one DOES take offence, please flame and order her to shove the rating up. She will, because she has a soft spot for kids, and does not wish to traumatise them TOO early on. That is all."  
  
Gandalf was pretending he was Jerry Springer, and bounded up to his make- believe camera and screamed "Hi folks!!! And today, our topic is - Fanfiction authors who just can't seem to finish off their fanfictions!"  
  
The Author's voice broke in over the chaos. "Wow. That actually gives me an idea. Never mind. Lets attempt to bring some semblance of a story into this randomness, eh? For now, anyway. Be afraid. Be very afraid. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!!!!!! Jerry Springer stories, hear I come!!!!! Ahem. But, back to our original story."  
  
So. Where had we got to? Lessee now. We've done Aragorn. Gimli. Gandalf. Merry. Pippin. Ok. That leaves Sam, Frodo, Legolas, Boromir and Bill the Pony. I might add in some other characters to I'm not sure. Ok. Going to post this fic now, because it is time for tea. Back soon!  
  
Well, actually, no, wont be back for ages, cos on holiday. Never mind.  
  
BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	2. OMG!! The new Chapter has a split end!

Ok, brand new torture for ya coming up.  
  
The car broke down, so we are now going on holiday on Sunday, and we're only going for a week. So, don't worry guys, you won't have to wait toooooooooo long.  
  
Btb (ByTheBy), this chapter is better spelt because I actually spellchecked it before posting.  
  
Where was I? OK, I'll just repeat what I said about the guys. This can be like a 'Symptoms' chapter. OMG, I actually said 'like'! And I said OMG! HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Ahem.  
  
Gimli was in a straight jacket because his insaneness made him believe he was a Moulin Rouge dancer, and he kept trying to do his hair like Christina Aguilara.  
  
Pippin had been eating marshmallows with the Author and now they were both homicidally hyper.  
  
Merry was twirling about in his pink ballerina costume, claiming he was the next Baryshnikov, and no one had the heart to tell him that male ballet dancers don't wear tutus. Or tampons attached to their ears.  
  
Aragorn thought he was a lawyer, and was stalking around everywhere in a long black coat and a powdered wig, but that was ok, because he could apologise for everytime the author overstepped the bounds.  
  
Aragorn broke in, putting on his posh, important voice. "My client wishes me to say that she means no offence by any of her statements, and, if any one DOES take offence, please flame and order her to shove the rating up. She will, because she has a soft spot for kids, and does not wish to traumatise them TOO early on. That is all."  
  
Gandalf was pretending he was Jerry Springer, and bounded up to his make- believe camera and screamed "Hi folks!!! And today, our topic is - Fanfiction authors who just can't seem to finish off their fanfictions!"  
  
Now for the new stuff.......  
  
Frodo was sitting in a corner, rocking back and forward, muttering "The Ring! It's talking to me!! Make it leave me alone!"  
  
Legolas, who still believed he was an All American Teenage Cheerleader, was begging for some shampoo and probably conditioner as well. "I have a split end!!! I HAVE A SPLIT END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
The Author, shocked, asked, "Why are you no longer saying 'like' constantly?"  
  
"Oh, like, come on! Split ends are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too serious!"  
  
He looked around wildly. "Where's Mr. Wuddles? I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't drink. I can't properly moisturise without Mr. Wuddles!!" [*]  
  
Tom Bombadil was sitting underneath a table, spinning the Ring in his fingers. "They wouldn't let me be in the film. It's a [STRONG EXPLETIVE] CONSPIRACY! A CONSPIRACY I TELL YA!! But I rescued my precious.........."  
  
Boromir thought he was a philosopher from Ancient. erm. Whatever Ancient place they have in Middle Earth. For arguments saying we'll call it Grease, where all the Rangers come from. He was sitting ON TOP of the table (which was straining under the weight because it was made out of cheapo plastic, just like everything else in this freaky House of Horrors) muttering philosophy type stuff. "Is Truth Beauty? And is Beauty Truth? I am very pretty, but not necessarily truthful.". At this, Legolas screamed with rage, and knocked Boromir out with one of his pompoms. "I'm the prettiest member of the Fellowship! ME!! NO-ONE ELSE!!!!!!!"  
  
Sam had become suicidal once he realised Frodo just. wasn't interested in him that way. Rosie HAD attempted to consol him by dressing up in boy Hobbit clothes, but she had become so weirded out by what he did that she became a lesbian. Those sort of things just aren't natural! I mean, come on, a guy has to have something deeply wrong with him if he actually ENJOYS the woman's position. But Sam adored. cooking, cleaning and dressmaking. (A/N. Had you there, didn't I? You all thought I was gonna be totally gross and freaky didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?!?!?!?!? MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!)  
  
And Bill. Bill just sat around and laughed at this mockery of the Fellowship, as did Elrond, who had just popped in on his way to steal more of Arwen's clothing, as did Arwen, who thought she was a horse who thought she was human, who thought she was an Elf. Confusing, huh?  
  
Next chapter. . . LEGOALAS IS CURED!! Kinda. And he finds himself a job - in the form of a psychiatrist! MWAHAHAHA! WILL THE STUPIDNESS NEVER END!  
  
[*] This was completely nicked from this amazing story I read, I think it was by IceAmethyst? And her helper EnglishBrat. They had a Truth and Dare thing - It was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo funny. When I find it again, I'll put I direct link to it in this fanfic.  
  
Btb, sorry that chapter wasn't quite as good as the first one. . . at least, that's my opinion. Feel free to correct me if you want!  
  
WiF (I love that saying!! Whoops I Forgot!) Standard disclaimer. Review. 


	3. Will The Nightmare Never End?!?!?!?!!?!?...

Will the Nightmare Never End?!?!?!?!??!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?  
  
Standard disclaimer. I apologise if I use something somebody else used first. All I can say is - great minds think alike! Or well, actually, really freaky minds think alike..............  
  
This will probably be the last post until I get back from holiday, but you never know - There might be an Internet café in Normandy!  
  
Never underestimate an insane wizard. His delusions have a way of coming true.  
  
Gandalf had transformed the insane asylum into the set of Jerry Springer's. He'd even roped in a hundred Elves as an audience, two Dwarves as CameraDwarves and a hefty Uruk-Hai as Security.  
  
Gandalf was happy and gay. No, not that sort of gay!! I just mean really, really, smoking-pipeweed-joints happy. He was skipping around, with Legolas trailing after him as his own personal make-up and style entourage. Suddenly, one of the Dwarves screamed, "Ga- Jerry, we're on air!"  
  
Gerry the Grey minced (ok, so maybe he was a little of that sort of gay) up to the camera. "Hi folks! Today, we'll be discussing, 'I've had my personality changed by a malevolent Author'!"  
  
He pranced up to Legolas, who was suddenly sitting in one of the chairs, and perched on the arm of the chair. "So, Leggy, tell us your story."  
  
Legolas grabbed the microphone out of Gandalf's hand and began sobbing into it. "She, like, took, like, my gorgeous personality, like, all away, and she, like, won't even let me, like, have Mr. Wuddles back!!!!"  
  
The voice of the Author was heard throughout the room. "If you're going to be THAT sadly pathetic, here - you can have Mr. Wuddles."  
  
Legolas hugged the teddybear tightly to his chest, and switched the microphone to 'Possessed by the Ring' setting. "My preeeciioussssss!! Like."  
  
There was a crash, and part of the set collapsed, revealing Frodo and Gollum having an exuberant wrestling match. Gollum was hissing "PRECIOUSSSSSSSSS!" until Sam jumped up and screamed, "Don't worry Mr. Frodo! I'll save you!"  
  
Sam dragged Frodo away and wrapped his arms around him. Gerry sighed and said, "For the Grey Havens sake, get a room!"  
  
The Uruk-Hai picked them up and carried them off stage, while Gollum threw himself into Legolas's arms and began stroking his hair. "Precioussssssssssssss! My preeeeeeeciooooussssss!!"  
  
After Legolas and Gollum had been dragged off to 'The Quiet Room', 'Gerry' appealed to his off-stage crew. "Is there anyone out there who isn't sex mad?"  
  
Someone shouted back "We have some teenagers."  
  
Gerry screamed. "NO! They're ticking hormonal timebombs! Bring back Legolas! At least he's cute. Mmmmmmmmmm..... Elf hair....."  
  
Gerry clicked his fingers and Legolas was lying on one of those psychiatrist beds, and Gerry was wearing a long white coat. (Get it, book- readers?)  
  
"Tell me, Leggy, did you ever feel neglected as a child?"  
  
"No, I always had Mr. Wuddles. He used to take me for walks and bathe me, and braid my hair. He gave me my first avocado face pack!"  
  
The Author walked across the stage, with Pippin alongside her on a dog's leash. Everyone gives them VEEEEEEERY strange looks. "Oh, don't worry about me. I'm just walking my Hobbit."  
  
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight," drawled Gerry. "Sooooooooooo... Leggy, did your parents ever have much time for you?"  
  
"Well, no," answered the gorgeous Prince. "Daddy was always governing Mirkwood, and Mummy had to look after the visiting Elves in the bedroom."  
  
Collective "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!" from the audience.  
  
"But, then, of course, Mummy died in that freak tornado that just took away her and the Elf who was usurped by Arwen. What was his name..?"  
  
Glorfindel popped his head around the doorway and says, in a very annoyed tone, "I don't know. Maybe. GLORFINDEL!"  
  
"That was it!! Thanks, Miscellaneous Elf."  
  
Glorfindel was dragged away, kicking and screaming, by the burly Uruk-Hai.  
  
"Well, Leggy, we've got a surprise for you..."  
  
Legolas's mother walks in from offstage.  
  
Legolas looks at her, wide-eyed. "Mummy? But Daddy said you died."  
  
Salogel [*] took her son's hand. "I'm sorry, Legolas. You see, Mummy had to run away with. What was his name.?"  
  
Glorfindel jumps in again, panting. "GLORFINDEL!!!!!!!!!" Salogel says "Hi honey!" but the Uruk-Hai drags him off to 'The Quiet Room' again.  
  
The truth slowly dawns on Legolas.  
  
"Mummy, you're a slut?"  
  
Salogel nods.  
  
"My Mummy's a tramp! My Mummy's a tramp!"  
  
Salogel tries to calm her son down, but he begins to have a tantrum. He rips open the cushions and starts pulling the feathers out. He finally calms down after the Author waves a packet of M and M's under his nose. "Be good, and I'll give you these."  
  
"Are they chocolate?"  
  
"Would I give you anything else?"  
  
"Good, cos, y'know peanuts give me zits."  
  
"Follow the script like a good boy, and I'll take you shopping in Gap too.."  
  
Legolas yelped with excitement. The Author waved the script under his nose. Legolas squinted at it, then turned to Salogel and said, "I love you Mummy!"  
  
She screamed "I love you too Son!" and they exchanged a hug.  
  
"Mummy, you have to go away now. I have to finish this post quickly so me and the Author can go to Gap."  
  
"It's ok, son, I understand the importance of clothes."  
  
Legolas quickly changed places with Gandalf. sorry. 'Gerry'. "Hurry up, Gandalf. I have to become a psychiatrist so the Author can fulfil her promise to her readers, and then she'll take me to Gap."  
  
Leggy perched some stylish, designer glasses on the end of his perfectly- shaped nose. "So, Gandalf, have you ever felt that you're two people?"  
  
"Who's this Gandalf guy you lot keep going on about?"  
  
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Erm, so, I subscribe."  
  
"No, Leggy, its PREscribe."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Just trust me on this."  
  
"Ok, I prescribe you some therapeutic shopping."  
  
Leggy turns to the Author. "Can we go now? I NEED to go to Gap and buy all this week's clothes, and laugh at anyone who has LAST week's."  
  
  
  
[*] I know, I know, its just 'Legolas' backwards. But humour kind of takes the original juice away.  
  
A/N very weird chapter, I know. Sorry for the changing of tenses, but some bits didn't work in past, and not all of it works in present.  
  
Next Chapter - Boromir and Aragorn steal the Highlander tune....... 


End file.
